ZIAM Episode 30: How to Begin to Love Yourself
You’ve heard the saying, “You can only love someone as much as you love yourself.”
But how do you love yourself? Are you too hard on yourself? Do you truly take the time to love who you are?
In today’s podcast I’m going to give you some interesting ways to think about self love and why it’s really, really important for you to take the time to love yourself.
What is self-love, really? What is it that has you be able to love yourself? You might have heard the saying before, “You can only love someone as much as you love yourself.” Well, what does that actually mean, and why is it important to love yourself? How do you love yourself? You know yourself better than anyone else on the planet. You know all the reasons why not to love yourself. You might not focus naturally on all the reasons to love yourself. Well, I’m going to give you some pretty interesting ways to think about this entire concept of self-love and why it’s really, really, really important for you to take the time to love yourself.
This whole thing around self-love—why is it really even important? Well, here’s one thing. I believe in the law of attraction. I really, truly do. I have been playing with it for over 30 years now. It’s this very powerful asset, where our internal vibration brings to us, like a magnet, the things that are supposed to be in our world. I believe that the reason the law of attraction exists is a spiritual principle. That spiritual principle is when you witness in the world around you what you’re attracting, you can see who you are inside as a soul, and it gives you choice. You can clearly see around you what you want to change, what you want to have be different, how you want to what I call polish your mirror. The world around you is your mirror, and you can go about polishing it if you can witness it.
Now, what does that have to do with self-love? Well, so often we beat ourselves up. We pick on ourselves. We know where we’re failing with our exercise, our diet, being a better parent, where we’re shortchanging ourselves at work. We know all the little, minute fibs or lies that we tell. We know all the ways in which we don’t live up to our own expectations. We’re not as nice as we could be. Maybe there’s a little cheating here and there going on. I don’t necessarily mean on your significant other. I mean in various areas of our life, where we say we’re going to get up 6:30 and we get up at 7:15; or we say we’re going to exercise and we don’t; or we’re going to drink less and we don’t. Whatever it is, there’s just ways in which we shortchange ourselves. Then what ends up happening is very often we start the process of flogging ourselves, beating ourselves up, feeling as if we’re not changing, feeling as if we’re not making our mark, feeling as if we’re a failure. This whole thing starts happening, where we begin beating ourselves up.
Here’s the thing. In you beating yourself up, vibrationally you’re setting yourself up for the world to beat you up. All the time that you spend focusing on everything that’s wrong with you only brings and keeps that snowball rolling down that hill, that keeps that energy in your life going. What you are on the inside you attract on the outside. If you’re beating yourself up, if you’re focused on your failures, if you’re focused on where you’re not measuring up, if you’re focused on all these places where you’re cutting yourself in your life short, what are you going to get more of naturally? The law of attraction states like energy attracts like energy. Energy flows where your attention goes. If you’re putting your attention on all of your faults, what are you going to get more of?
Now, here’s the key, a little secret I want to give you. You’re doing the best you can. If there was a way in which you could do it better, you would be doing it better. There’s all kinds of reasons why you may not be doing life in the most perfect and exemplary way that you would like to have it be done by yourself. That’s because very often we are incredibly hard on ourselves. We put ourselves through so much. Think of a little kid. You need to correct them, and take care of them, and guide them in their way. Would you say some of the things that you say to yourself in your head to your children or to a little innocent kid? Would you say, “You’re stupid. You didn’t get up again. How can you do that? There you go; you drank too much alcohol last night. Now you feel like crap,” or “You didn’t get your work done. Now you’re going to have to go in and disappoint the team, because you were overwhelmed and you had to leave early to go do this,” and “How come you can’t pull it together?” and “What’s wrong with you?”
I don’t know about your head noise, whatever it may be about. Maybe it’s about what you’re eating, or maybe it’s about exercise, or how much money you’re making, or how much money you’re spending. Maybe it’s about being patient or impatient with the people around you. Maybe it’s some critical head noise you have around individuals, or the way you feel about your family, or shame that you may have over something you may have done. All that internal energy simply goes out into the world and comes back to you. It recycles. The truth of the matter is you are doing the best you can. The fact that you want to do it better is what you should focus on. The fact that there’s a part of you inside of you that truly, truly, truly cares and wants to do it better, wants to be more patient, wants to be healthier, wants to get up earlier, wants to be more on the ball in your career, wants to do better with your money, that’s the part to pay attention to, is that part of you that cares. Focus on that.
You are doing the best you can, I promise, and so are the people around you, and, at best, may look horrible. It may not look like the best that you could do, but it is. There’s a lot going on. There’s a lot of stressful things. We’re tired. We’re overworked. We have lots and lots of pressures coming in. Then you put all the internal pressure that you have on yourself out there, too. Now, I did a podcast on getting up in the morning and how to have a great morning. It’s about the voices in your head, around the critical voice, which is the critic, and the child voice. I’d love for you to go find that and look at it. It really talks about how to choose and navigate between the voices and the things that are going on inside your head. Not all the voices and thoughts that you have about yourself come from a place of divine alignment, of peace and love.
The way to love yourself is to find opening thoughts. Even if the thought you’re having about yourself is unpleasant or negative, if it expands you in the center of your body with your internal guidance system… Once again, if you haven’t heard about your internal guidance system, go to zeninamoment.com. There’s a video there that walks you through this part of yourself you were born with. What it does is it expands when the thought you’re having is true, and in alignment, and going to bring you greater health and success, and it contracts and tightens, a lump in your throat, tight anxiety feeling in your chest, sick feeling where your solar plexus come together. You have this tight feeling when the thought you have is out of alignment, not true, and not going to bring you happiness and success. Some of the thoughts that you’re having about yourself open you. Now, some of them may feel unpleasant, but they will expand you because they’re true. In that expanded state, you are loving yourself. Holding on and focusing on expanded, opening thoughts is you loving yourself.
I want you to hold the thought for just a minute: “I am doing the best I can. I truly am. If I could do better, I would. In the moment, I may not be living up to my expectations, but I really am doing the best I can with what I have on a daily basis.” Notice if you feel a lightening right now in this moment as you hold those thoughts. Notice if you feel an expanded feeling. That is you loving yourself. That is you expanding into what’s true, what’s in alignment. If you stay there, what that opening does is it ripples out from you into the world, like the law of attraction, and that opening, compassionate, loving energy comes back. In my next podcast, I am going to talk to you more about radical self-compassion, and what that looks like, and how to begin generating it within your being. For now, I just want you to notice which thoughts about yourself and your performance in life are collapsing your energy and which are opening.
You’ll have a lot of positive thoughts that you have about yourself that open you, that literally you are doing the best you can, that right now how you’re being and what you’re doing is perfect, that it’s perfect for where you are right now, that some day it is going to change, that some day you will be on top of more of these things, but for right now, you’re doing the best you can. You may have thoughts that feel unpleasant, which are like, “I need to be more patient. I’m really cranky and bitchy. I should stop being so difficult with my spouse. I should be a little more lighthearted with that person.” You’ll feel like, “Oh, those thoughts are true. They’re opening me,” which means yes, indeed, that’s the thing to focus on. The most loving thing you could do for yourself in the moment is to focus on fixing that. The stuff that closes you, “I should be eating better,” or “I should be getting up at 6:30,” the stuff that tightens you, that’s not true. You shouldn’t be eating. If you’re tight at those thoughts, which usually is anxiety, worry, fear, frustration, overwhelm, those things are closing. They’re tightening, which means the thoughts you’re having that’s associated to overwhelm, frustration, anxiety, fear, stress, worry, those things are not true or not going to happen. As you’re beating yourself up, if you’re feeling any of those things, the fact of the matter is your internal guidance system is telling you those thoughts are not true. Counter them with, “I am doing the best I can. Every day I am doing the best I can. I may not measure up, but I truly am doing the best I can in every moment, even if it doesn’t look good and it’s not perfect.”
This is the first step into loving yourself, and it’s so important on so many levels. The biggest one is we don’t want you to attract any more of the not loving, not sweet, not compassionate, not relaxed, not open energy from the world around you. We want you to attract more people recognizing you, seeing you doing the best you can, and loving you more and more and more. This is the first way to start.
This is Zen in a Moment. It’s a podcast that’s here to support you in feeling in the flow, feeling light, open, and wise inside, supporting you in having success and happiness, and being an extraordinary person, one that feels great and authentic every day, every moment in every hour. I’d love for you to share this podcast. Please rate it on iTunes if you have an iTunes account. It’s really important, and it helps me get more listeners in to get this information. I want to hear the comments from you below. I love that you’re taking the time to listen to these podcasts. It means the world to me. I think this information is so powerful. Coming from an old, stressed out, cranky, control freak of a person who has been able to reprogram her mind away from all of that, I just want to let you know if you keep listening, you’ve got extraordinary things coming your way. Until I get to be with you again, I am sending you love and blessings.