ZIAM Episode 25: To Lie or Not to Lie
Do you ever tell a lie?
Maybe you withhold information somebody else needs. Or you catch yourself avoiding a conversation so you don’t have to tell the truth.
Sometimes lying is a good thing and sometimes it’s a bad thing. Today I’m going to talk to you about how to tell the difference.
Have you told a white lie recently? Tell me about it in the comments below.
Do you ever tell a lie? Maybe withhold information that somebody else needs? Or quite possibly, you catch yourself avoiding something in a conversation, and you’re not really being honest with someone when they ask for your opinion? There’s a lot of reasons why we lie in our lifetime. Most of us do it at some point throughout our day every day. It’s ingrained in who we are. It doesn’t have to be a big, giant lie. Well, sometimes lying is a good thing, and sometimes it’s a bad thing. Today I’m going to talk to you about how to tell the difference.
I know, for me, lying is a thing. I am very comfortable admitting that, because I don’t see lying in the way that we traditionally see it in, maybe, a biblical or an integrity situation. Lying can be as simple as somebody asking your opinion on something and you withholding your real opinion. Lying can also be when you’re avoiding a situation with someone and acting as if everything is okay, and it’s not. You need to be having a conversation to clear something. Maybe it’s with your spouse, or with your kids, or with a co-worker. You’re avoiding it, and not doing it, and acting as if everything is okay. That is a form of a lie. Most of us do this. The reason why is: generally, there’s an underlying experience of fear. We’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, or we’re afraid of rocking the boat, creating challenges, and problems, and difficulties. Or maybe it’s a relationship around timing. You just can’t seem to find the right time to bring up this conversation. Here’s the thing. These little moments where we withhold, we avoid, we aren’t completely honest because of the seed of fear in our experience, is keeping us away from deep levels of intimacy and authenticity in our lives. It creates this sensation in our body of closing. Fear is closing. Fear as a closing experience keeps people away from us.
Now, if you don’t know what I mean by closing, I’m talking about your internal guidance system. You can go to zeninamoment.com, if you haven’t yet, and check out the video there on feeling your internal guidance system. It’s a factory installed guidance system in your body that you can feel throughout your day, letting you know if what you’re thinking is on target and in alignment with creating happiness and success in your life or not. I’m not going to go over that here, but if you’ve been listening to this podcast, you probably have already felt it.
Here’s the thing. That closing sensation of fear is letting us know that what we’re thinking, the avoidance, or the lack of timing is not appropriate, this thing that we should be discussing, that we should not be avoiding, that we should be honest about, when we feel that tight and sick feeling in your stomach, or tightness in your chest, or lump in your throat, that’s closing. When you feel that as you’re avoiding something and not being completely fully truthful and authentic, what that means is that you are being called to be authentic in that moment. You’re called to be honest. You’re called to tell the truth. You’re called to take the time and face the difficulty. Here’s the thing. When you do, it will work out for the best. What will happen is you’ll open. When you actually think, “Wait, I’m closed at thinking of not talking to this person about this difficult issue. I’m feeling this anxiety,” that means that you are actually intended to talk about the issue with this person. In holding that thought, you’ll get an expansion, or an opening, or a release. That means that that conversation, that thing, needs to be said in order for you to have a greater level of happiness and success.
The other thing is that you may actually be wanting to be saying something, to be truthful, but you’re closed, meaning that that thing that you’re about to say or do in that moment will create disharmony, will create dissatisfaction, will create a lack of success in your life. There are times when we have an emotional experience, where we really want to tell somebody off or share with them how we feel, or we feel like there’s a drama happening inside of us, and we need to change someone’s behavior. Maybe we feel like we need to lay down an ultimatum or stand up for ourself in a way that isn’t quite healthy, and in that moment, you’re closed. You’re thinking about moving forward with that truth that you’re going to share, and you’re closed. Well, generally, what that means is that truth that you’re going to share is not coming from an honest place. It’s not coming from a place of integrity. It could be coming from a place of wanting to hurt the person or wanting to share your dysfunction in a way that is going to leave them hurt and feeling disconnected from you. Your internal guidance system is a perfect way to assess if the situation and you being honest in it is going to be received, and healthy, and bring you closer or if it’s going to be not received, it’s not healthy, and it’s not going to bring you closer to that person.
An example of this is: there was a time when I had a friend who had repeatedly taken advantage of me. This person, I would work really hard for them, and they did not appreciate it. There was all kinds of things going on that were really off and really wrong. I am somebody who doesn’t like conflict. I really just don’t like conflict. When I would tell him off in my head, I would get an opening at the things that I was thinking about saying. I recognized that I was getting an opening. I knew I needed to have this conversation. The problem was that I couldn’t seem to get the courage up. Every time I thought that I could just get away with not expressing these issues, I closed. Finally, I got my courage together, and called him up, and had a conversation about the situation and all the ways in which I was going to end the friendship because of X, Y, and Z, all these reasons. He did get incredibly upset. He did scream and yell back at me and say all kinds of mean things to me. The conflict was difficult, and challenging, and ugly. Then we got off the phone. He stated that he was going to go to everybody in the community that we were jointly friends in and say bad things about me. All my worst fears were coming true.
However, whenever I would hold the thought, after the conversation happened, that I had made a mistake, that that was the wrong thing to do, I would close. Whenever I would reverse my thinking and think, “Wow, okay, I was supposed to have that conversation, even though it was really hard and didn’t turn out well,” my internal guidance system would open. About two weeks after this had occurred, the person called me up again and actually thanked me. As he ran around and said bad things to people about me, they all agreed with me in my assessment of him and his horrible friendship, how he’s not a very good friend. He was quite selfish and demanding and didn’t give much in return for that level of friendship that people were giving him. I was right. The point is not that I was right but that my internal guidance system led me to do the right thing. It was the right thing to let this person know. They thanked me, because they said everybody was getting pretty sick of him, and he needed to know that. He was going to clear things up and change his behavior. He hadn’t realized he was rubbing people the wrong way. That’s one example.
Another example is with my spouse. He’ll have on ongoing issue, some challenge. Maybe it’s with his health, or a frustration at work, or something is happening. I feel like I have a solution, a way of handling it or a way of being with it, but every time I go to share it with him, I’ll close. Maybe it’s him changing his behavior or thinking of it in a different way. When I go to share it, I feel closed. When I think about, “He can work it out on his own,” I open. I’ve had many conversations where I’m on the listening end with my husband. There’s something going on, and it’s not my place to say or do anything about it. I’m just there to listen. When he asks my opinion, my opinion is, “Honey, I know you’ll work it out.” Now, I have other opinions, but I’m not being guided through my divine internal guidance system to share them. It would create a lack of intimacy. It would create a lack of him sharing with me his true feelings and what’s going on for him. He would possibly feel judged, or maybe he would feel as if he’s not being supported fully in the situation that he’s in.
There’s two examples of the way in which yes, truth is important, but truth is not as important as being divinely and intimately a part of someone’s life, and connected, and knowing what your place is at each and every turn in the relationship, where to contribute and where to not. I encourage you, before you share with someone and before you judge yourself as being a coward afraid of conflict and wanting to run away, stop and check in with your internal guidance system. Stop and really have that conscious moment. Does this feel opening, or does this feel closing in this moment what I’m about to share, how I’m about to express myself?
I want to thank you so much. Please, please, please share this podcast. It means so much to me. Forward it onto people who you think might enjoy it. I really appreciate it. Please comment below. Tell me what you think about this topic as well as places in your life where maybe you have a few white lies going on to protect yourself or others. I want to hear about it. I look forward to having you listen to this podcast again. There’s two a week, one on Monday and Thursday. If you want to get them delivered to your inbox, go to zeninamoment.com and sign up for my email list. You’ll get all kinds of yummy, juicy, amazing offers as well as additional content, and courses, and invitations to come and talk to me in complimentary coaching calls, and things of that nature. I would love to have you more engaged with me. Until we get to be together again, I am sending you love and blessings.
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