ZIAM Episode 22: How to Manage Your Inner Control Freak
Are you a control freak? Do you tend to micromanage everything around you?
It’s exhausting and hard to not trust anyone else to do things right!
Today I’m going to tell you how to evolve past your inner control freak so you can relax and enjoy your life. Listen to the podcast above.
Then I want to know how much of a control freak you are! On a scale of 1-10, where are you on the control freak scale? Tell me in the comments below.
Are you a control freak? I mean, really. Or maybe you micromanage a little bit? Well, I want to give you some tips and tricks today about how to let that go forever. Not only does it really annoy the people around you…Trust me, because I’m a major control freak, or at least, I was…but also it’s painful. It’s hard to try and keep track of everything and not trust anyone around you to do it right. It is just a miserable way to live. Today I’m going to share with you how to evolve past that into being able to be relaxed and enjoy your life.
I got my control freak ways legitimately. I got them through my mom and my dad. Both of them have their own ways in which they worried about things not getting done right. Everything had to be very specific. Over the years, I continued on that track, knowing the people around me, having people be feeling as if they weren’t competent, and I didn’t trust them. As my husband has said a couple of times when I’ve reverted back to my past, “I am not a moron. Stop treating me like one.” I don’t want anyone in my life to feel like I think they’re a moron. I love people, and I want them to contribute, but there’s just this way in which in my upbringing, I got this fear inside that something is going to go wrong unless I am around to fix it or I have a really watchful eye on it.
Now, you know that I teach the work around the internal guidance system. What I have found is that all closing behavior comes from fear, and it is closing. If it opens you, it doesn’t feel like being controlling. It feels like an assertive contribution that you’re making to a project, or a person, or a situation. If your thoughts around needing to be involved in a particular project, or an aspect of something around your home, or in supporting another person in getting a project done, if you’re open in your internal guidance system, or IGS… By the way, once again, if this is the first time you’ve heard this, go to zeninamoment.com, where you can feel your internal guidance system for yourself. It’s something you were born with. You can physically feel it. I walk you through an exercise at zeninamoment.com, where you can feel this for yourself. I call these openings and closings. The opening means that what we’re thinking is true, and in alignment, and going to bring us health, and harmony, and success. The closing feeling feels like stress, worry, fear, anxiety, overwhelm, frustration, irritation. Those feelings are closing, which means what you’re thinking in the moment is not true or not going to happen. This is an incredibly important aspect of being a control freak, because what is going on is inside there is a place in which you’re thinking that things are going to go wrong, that it’s not going to get done properly, that there’s some aspect that you need to be involved or it’s not going to be okay, and it’s coming from fear.
Now, I did a podcast recently around trust. There’s a link to it in the paragraph below. I highly encourage you to listen to that. I’m going to review the aspects of how to know whether you can trust someone or a situation. I’m not going to review them in depth here, because really what I want to talk about is the way it feels when you have this sensation. It’s miserable to not be able to relax and trust that everything is going to go well without your input. It’s exhausting. It crushes intimacy. It crushes teammates in a work environment, and your children in their ability to feel empowered, and smart, and capable. Us micromanaging, us not letting people shine, that’s really what it is. We’re not doing it on purpose. If you knew, if you could be on the other side of that controlling and micromanaging behavior, if you could feel how the other person feels in the wake of that, you would never want to do that to the people you care about. It’s so hard. It’s almost like a compulsion, it can get so big for some people.
The key here is how to know whether you’re being controlling. Now, if you’re closed, you’re being controlling. What you’re thinking about everything going awry is not true. Let me give you an example. I was walking into the shop to find out…We have a shop on our property. My husband was reorganizing, and I was walking into the shop to find out if he wanted lunch. As I walked in, he was on a ladder in this precarious position trying to get these boxes into place. I could see clearly from my position how he could organize this better, of course. You know how that goes. I went, “Honey…” As I was thinking of giving him advice and direction, I immediately closed, which means what I was thinking in the moment was not true, is not what I needed to be doing. His response just to the word Honey, because it was the right kind of Honey that he knows, was “What?” He knew I was about to give him advice, and it was the wrong timing. I said, “Nothing. Do you want a sandwich?” He was like, “That’s not what you were going to say.” I said, “Yes, that is exactly what I was going to say. I actually came out here. Do you want a sandwich?” He said, “Yes, I’ll be in in 15 minutes.” I turned around and walked away. I was in a moment of micromanagement, and it would have turned into, I promise, a whole Saturday of pissed offness for my poor husband. He didn’t need my advice. He was already frustrated, and it would have really ruined our afternoon.
Now, here’s another situation. My husband was going to take something out of the car that was really heavy, and he was going to put it in our wheelbarrow, which was plastic. He said, “I’m going to go get this out of the car,” and I said, “Do you want help?” He said, “No, I got it. I’m going to use the wheelbarrow.” I immediately thought, “Oh, no. If he puts that, he’s going to drop it into the wheelbarrow and break the wheelbarrow.” I didn’t say anything, because he and I have this place where I’m really working on not being a control freak. I didn’t listen to my IGS. I opened that he was going to break the wheelbarrow when I had that thought. I didn’t say anything because of fear of not wanting to upset him. Lo and behold, he broke the wheelbarrow. Later I said, “I knew you were going to do that,” and he said, “What do you mean?” I said, “Well, I knew you were going to break the wheelbarrow, that it was going to be too heavy, and you were going to drop it in too hard, and I didn’t say anything.” He said, “Why did you not say anything?” I said, “Because I get afraid that you’re going to get angry at me giving you advice.” He goes, “Well, I don’t want that to be the case.” I said, “Well, from now on, when I feel like I really need to say something, and I’m open, and it’s right, I’m going to tell you. If you close and you get mad at me in response, I’m going to say ‘wheelbarrow.’ That way you’ll know where I’m coming from is not a bad, negative place where I’m being controlling.” This is still something that comes up for me. I need to work on it. I’m in the practice of it.
My point is this. In your life, you can have a much more relaxed flow if you use your internal guidance system to suss out when you’re supposed to collaborate and be a part of something and when you’re not. This internal guidance system piece is so brilliant at helping you to release. Now, the quick thing I want to just go over is there’s four elements to trust. One is: is the person reliable? Are they going to do what they say they’re going to do? Is the person competent? Do they know how to do what they’re doing? Number three is: are they sincere? Their heart is in the right place. Number four is: do they have the resources they need to accomplish this? Now, I go into this in another podcast, which is knowing whether you can trust someone. If they have all four of those things, you can trust the situation, and them, and the experience, including with your kids. You can use your IGS to suss this out. You can also just use your mind. You’ll know if you close at any of them, not having any one of these, then that means there’s something you need to talk to them about—talk about being reliable, talk about their sincerity, talk about their resources, talk about their competency. If they have all four, that means that it’s time for you to go in and check your inner control freak, and let it go. I highly encourage you to check out that other podcast. Use your internal guidance system. I am so much happier now that I have been on the track for years now of releasing that experience of tightness that has created burdensome experiences in my life. I want to invite you to have that.
Go to zeninamoment.com. There are more podcasts there. Please share this with your friends. Oh, my gosh. I would love, love, love, love, love for you to keep spreading the word on this. I want our community to grow. This work makes people happy, and relaxed, and enjoying their life in such a full-bodied way. Also, comment below. Tell me some of your control freak experiences. On a scale of 1 to 10, where would you say you are? I want to know. I would love for you to hear the comments. Also, I just want to invite you to check our website in general, zeninamoment.com. Get on our email list if you’re not. I have courses, and classes, and amazing trainings that I would love for you to be a part of that will transform your life forever. These are not courses where you take them, and you don’t use the work. These are courses where you take them, and your life actually changes for the better permanently. You’re living from this divine source of energy inside your body, your internal guidance system. I really enjoy having you listening to these podcasts, and I really enjoy you commenting below. Please do so. In the meantime, until I get an opportunity to talk again, I am sending you love and blessings.